Once Love, but now a weak friendship in a cage… “Goodbye, my free bird. Goodbye, my love.”

Ironically, I opened Unsplash after writing this to find a picture for this writing…. I opened to this picture staring at me. A picture I’d downloaded years ago that I loved so dearly for it’s beauty. And oddly… it fits. It fits this writing so perfectly… “Goodbye, my free bird. Goodbye, my love.”

I had so much hope… For us, for me.

Now I see you from a screen with our broken dreams only for me to feel.

I’ve tried to swallow my hurt, my sadness, my jealousy, my hope, my countless feelings including still love… But I can’t. I must feel them tonight. Now from this cage because this is all that can be….

But still, I have hope. And why?! Whyyy…
If only it could not be…
But, I now feel it deteriorating me.

And so, I wonder… Is it worth it?
From this cage… This screen. This so little of a being. For us, for me. For what may and what was.

This. This is not anything. It’s weak. It’s pitiful and sad.

For what was, was beautiful and open and free, but this…. This is now from a cage. A cage that I’m now keeping for us.

And should it be….. I think… I think… I think… I think….. Well, it’s….something…

What shall I do?… Let you go.

I did… I came back. And back and back and back. To this cage… For me, for us. I had hope. I had hope….I had hope. Time after Time, I’ve returned. To this cage, this screen. This pitiful cell of what is left.

Should I? I probably shouldn’t, yet I wonder…. Am I in the cage with you!?!

Maybe we both need life to kick us, and this cage to make us realize what once was or shall ever be for us or anyone…..shall not come to this.

Is it a lesson!?

Don’t give up on what is free, open, and beautiful… For if you do, you then chase it again and again even from this cage. But, the question is… Is it truly this anymore!? From this cage….. I think not.

It’s no longer anything from this screen, but images from this cage of what once was and hopes that aren’t worth it when one won’t see that you come back and back to this cage and you will not let me have one glimpse inside. Inside of you. Nor respect what was.

Keep you in this cage, you come back to.

It’s both of us. We do this. And we must stop.

Move on, my free bird. Move on.

For we danced, as free birds… And we shall move on, as free birds. The cage is open. Wide open… Move on.

Move on, my love bird… My free, beautiful love. Move on. I set you free…..

Wait, is that…. me?!?!

Well, my love birds….be free. Let it be.

Move on. If it can’t be here in this cage, it must be out there. Free. Both of us.

For both of us must go. That’s how we came, this is how we go.

Free birds.

The Mom Files…

My Mom and I.

My mom’s birthday would have been last Tuesday, May 21st if she were still alive.

I pulled a few old pieces of writing I did about her and us in honor of her.

Hope you enjoy.

Old Writing #1:

My mother’s death and the value of living life to the fullest and showing a sincere sense of respect and happiness
for those who are meaningful in my life.

“Life is short, live it to the fullest.”

My mom died when I was in my freshman year of college. We didn’t have the best of relationship and we never hugged or showed affection for each other.

She made me hug her before I left for college, and it was the last hug I ever got from my mom while she was in good health. It was a very emotional yet eye opening experience which has shaped my thoughts about life and showing of affection/sharing what someone truly means to you in your life. I never did really until after my mom’s death show affection to anyone nor let them know what they meant to me.

After my mom’s death and to this day, I make it a point to let my friends and those I value know that they mean something to me if they do. I enjoy showing affection to those I most care about.

I also learned that you have to forgive people and move on from things in life a lot more than what I did previous to this life event. I learned that life is short and you must live life the best way possible being appreciative and showing others what they mean to you because they may never know without you saying or showing how you feel.

Old Writing #2:

My Hero – My Mom

My mom is my hero. While we didn’t have a good relationship for many years, now thinking back to how she raised me, never failed to share her harsh opinions and observations, and put up with my bullheaded nature growing up which wouldn’t be easy for nearly anyone – she’s my hero.

She taught me many lessons in life and I still live by many of them. She had perseverance to put up with a child like me that questioned everything and was extremely curious and always standing my ground with my opinions on a wide-range of things that may or may not have been grounded.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I wouldn’t be the person I am without her personality of speaking back to me in opposition to what I thought, making me question my thoughts and beliefs even though I became frustrated many of times.

All along she believed in me and the success I could have in life. She was the one that motivated me and pushed me to get things done and never give up when I wanted to stop.

She was my punching bag but also my rock. I needed her more than I ever wanted to let onto, and when I lost her in my freshman year of college I realized so much. My mom is my hero.

However, it’s too bad I never realized this until she died because I would have liked to have seen her in this light while she was alive and I could tell her.

The Stay

Photo by Mink Mingle on Unsplash
Note: This is not a picture of the actual room from the stay. I didn’t take any pictures to keep, unfortunately. This was the best I could do to portray the comfort, simplicity, and vintage like style of the stay based on my memories. Oh, it was divine!
  • The smells of old wood and an old home are the first I notice.
  • A family keepsake and strong heritage.
  • A family tree in the hall hung with pride.
  • Beautiful memories and strong, close knit loved ones.
  • A beautiful bedspread, so soft and fluffed… Then I get in and the sheets feel so crisp and clean… Flowered and old feeling… so refreshing and calming. So nice for a nap. They smell like the outdoors with fresh flowers just picked. Sheets were hung on a line outdoors to dry, I’ll bet.
  • Beautiful lamp – Very classic yet minimal.
  • The pillows feel amazing & divine. Feathered.
  • The walls wallpapered.
  • The bathroom is even more beautiful. White porcelain sink with hot & cold water that comes out at the most extremes in temperatures on either end. Can’t keep the hot on too long. Love the mix of temperatures… refreshing to feel.
  • The soap – so luxurious and feels and smells divine.
  • The bathroom walls are covered in pretty floral old style wallpaper.
  • Metal baskets & decor.
  • A perfect lotion and soap of the bar type that smell so refreshing in a basket on top of the metal toilet stand.
  • Q-tips in a glass jar.
  • A white framed mirror.
  • Old style windows with white blinds.
  • White cotton sheets… white, thick, comforting cotton towels.
  • The meal in the morning was crafted and delicious, served on the very best china.

Memories from my overnight stay at Peaches Bed And Breakfast – http://peachesinn.com/

A year ago?… beauty and acceptance

Someone asked me the question recently, “Think back to last year at this time, and tell me what you see?”

A year ago was the end of 2016, and I was one semester away from graduating with my Masters of Business Administration (MBA). I was so excited to be done and ready to begin a new chapter of my life. I felt proud, excited, and relieved to be done with school soon. However, at the same time, my mind was filled with worry. What was this new chapter of my life without formal classes going to be like and what would I do? At that time, I really wanted change… I felt ready to move on and anxious.

Beyond school, at the end of 2016, I was dating the first man after my last long-term relationship who I thought I had great potential with. I was excited and felt so happy. I was very hopeful. A few months forward and it ended, but I am still thankful to have shared those few months of my life with him.

Of course, there is much more I could say… so many emotions and thoughts at this time last year. I’m smiling as I reminisce for a few minutes back to this time.

I don’t want to further analyze, dwell, or live here though for this is the past. I would rather look back and just simply see the beauty. Accept what was in my past without further analyzing.

Life is now, it is not the past. Though, it is beautiful for a few minutes to look back on, isn’t it?

Photo by Tom Ezzatkhah on Unsplash

Do What Makes You Happy

Photo by Matthew Hamilton on Unsplash
I’m sitting here on my couch with Miles curled up in a ball next to me lying on Richard’s clothes. How beautiful. I sit in my apartment and I am happy with everything I have done thus far and where I am at with my career and life in general. I listen to the clock tick, the air purifier hiss, and the furnace huff. Somehow these sounds make my apartment seem even more relaxing. A great peace and quiet shelter. Hmm.. maybe I could try writing poetry. The sky is the limit; you do know…
 
Today, I sat in the Target cafe and watched the people come and go for a good hour. I know! How fun! haha. It really was great though. First, I watched a mother question her daughter with good life questions. She asked, “Are you going to not do something now and regret it later? You’ll spend your whole life knowing you could have done it.” I have no idea what they were discussing really, but it made me think. It seemed like after I heard that question, I watched everyone even more.
 
Another mother sat with her two children and bought them each a small slushie and ordered some breadsticks from the Pizza Hut there at Target. There were only three breadsticks. She gave her two daughters each one of them and then sat the other down. The one daughter said, “Is that other breadstick for us to share? Can we share it mom?” The mother said, “yes”. Then the daughter replied, “I thought so.” Here we have a mother that didn’t get a drink of her own nor did she eat the third breadstick. She gave everything she bought to her two daughters and sat there quietly and watched them both so happily eat their breadsticks and slurp their Slurpees. It was like this was what brought her extreme happiness was seeing her two children eat.
 
Across from the Target, cafe was an in-store Starbucks. I watched so many people line up for coffee. The barista was so friendly and patient as the line crept up to 10 or more people. She was so happy helping them. At about the 8th person in line was an old man wearing a feathered hat who used a walker. He was eager to get that cup of coffee that brought him some happiness. He patiently waited and walked an inch every chance he could. ha. He really wanted that coffee!
 
Then, after Target I went to a thrift shop. There were quite some clothes at this place! Designer names for $5 in a sea of clothes. One woman tried on a designer jacket and she absolutely loved it. I could tell that she didn’t have much money and buying clothes wasn’t something she did very often for herself. She just loved that jacket! All I could think was how great that she can now have it for less than $10 because someone decided they wanted to pass the treasure along to others. Maybe the original owner was just cleaning meaningless items from her closet, but it sure meant the world to that woman at the thrift store.
 
Now that I have written about these memorable sights today, I notice something. Each of these people did what made them feel happy. That is truly a very valuable observation. It’s not about the money you spend or what you do, it’s whether or not it makes you happy. Is it seeing that someone you love not make what could be a mistake by simply speaking up? Is it watching your kids eat happily? Is it helping others with a tasty treat? Or slowly inching your way to get your cup of joy? Maybe it’s giving your designer clothes to a thrift store or buying a trendy jacket for yourself. Whatever it may be that makes you happy. Please, do it.
 
So, I sit here and write tonight. Writing makes me happy. I rarely do it anymore, but when I do I absolutely love it. Maybe you have something that you know makes you happy but you haven’t done it in a while. Do it.
 
 
Do whatever makes you happy.
 
 
(Originally written on: 12/31/2014)
 
Medium.com version of this post can be found here: https://medium.com/@aleesatoman/do-what-makes-you-happy-8053816d9c58